A Child Called No No

             My world of no...

So it begins as any other would a story of parents having another child. The prepareing of the

room the electric excitement .The Family and friends all happy about the new bundle of joy comming

into the world all is right and happy..

Isn't that the way most family story's start a happy beginning and life is great.. I just wish that

was true for me. Lets start .I am Tammy  and I thought parents were supposed to be there and take

care of children. I guess that's not so true on the onset.. The first words I remember hearing

from her is No  always no. The more I tried the more no came .

It would seem I was in a race to beat the word no but never did. I tried for her approval and

worked so hard.I got good grades I made sure I didn't embarrass her .But yet here came my

illnesses and zoom she became the center of attention.I have scoliosis and it's bad. They gave

her all the news she could use to torment my life.

They told her I would never have babies. They told her I would be in a wheel chair by 40. They

told her I might even die because the one curve is dangerously near my heart.They showed her all

these devices that could help me and maybe lessen the curve of my spine. She choose the worst

ever. The one that sent electric stim threw my muscles aver few seconds.The one that never worked.
It hurt me and I had to have marks on my back to show where to put the electrodes.

I was called names by people who saw these big purple marks.I hated wearing it .I couldn't sleep

with it. Every time she left the room I turned the evil thing off. She didn't want to hear that

this thing hurt me.She didn't care that I was a outcast and had no friends.All she cared about is

watching my decline.She would tell everyone.I couldn't swim cause I kept turning it off.

She would let people take us swimming  where all I could do is watch cause I just got measured

and the marks would wash off and they couldn't put the electrodes back on with out seeing a Dr

again. I begged for the brace that would let me be normal and be able to do things.. But she said

no..

After that died down and I thought hum maybe it was just a  rough patch..Maybe things will be

ok.. no such luck .I was thrown into the worst time in my young life. The Dr appointments started

again.This time it was worse. She took me to a Dr to see if I had been sexually active. I was

still a virgin. This dr  stuck two long q tips into my vagina. I raised my hips and screamed and

cried.

I could feel them inside me and felt like I was being assaulted.She pushed my hips down and said

just relax.I tried but it hurt so badly I wanted to die.I felt embarrassed and humiliated.I knew

this was just the beginning of her tirade ..She made me go in almost every week to check if I was

still a virgin and promising me a pony ect if I complied..But alas I never got my pony cause I

was always bad as she said..

Arent Dr's supposed to protect kids .Why didnt mine see what she was doing. Why didn't just

anyone say this isnt right .. So many people saw me but none never saw me .So many in the family

said she abused me but they never stepped in never helped. I thought no one loved me the ugly girl

with hand me downs,bad teeth and glasses.She made me as ugly as she could.

You could see her bitterness to me when we went cloths shopping for school. The boy child her

favorite got everything new  and shiny .. I remember once I saw a purse I wanted so badly. I

begged for it and pleaded .she said no and put it back. My daddy the one time he went shopping

with her said I am getting it for her. But alas she said no and  put it up.She said it was

because I was throwing a fit. The purse cost 1.00 on sale  with 50% off. I cried so hard and

daddy knew it too..

My daddy was the best he tried so hard to sneak me things with out her seeing..But he was sick

alot his heart was bad and he didn't wanna rock the boat.I remember another time I wanted this

pair of sneakers from a market mine were old and gross.I thought maybe I can get them and say my

friend gave em to me. So I stole a pair of shoes and told her my friend gave them to me.She

demanded the name and number and I finally admitted I stole them. She smiled her wicked smile

took me back to the store and announced very loudly I had stole the shoes.

The store manager came up and quieted her down she told him to "Make her work for stealing" So

they said I can sweep the lot in 105 heat and push carts.The manager looked at me and said I

could keep the shoes after I worked for them .But she said no throw them away she stole them.That

night my dad came home she insisted he"Beat my ass" for stealing.He did as she said and I was

sent to bed with out a word from her..

That night all I felt was hurt my heart would just throb and hurt as I sat in my room in the dark

and cried.I could hear them down stairs laughing together and realized at 12 years old I was not

part of that world and never would be.Time seemed to drag threw the years of growing.I just wanted

out of there..I suffered the harshness from family as she documented every failure I  made. How

bad I was that I steal and lie.

She made me a outcast in my own family.I sat and thought maybe she isnt my real mom.A real mom

wouldn't do that or this.One day my real mom will come and wisk me away.That day never came only

more heart ache and pain..

Lets jump forward a few years I started ballet in nevada.I was so happy I loved it and my dance

teacher was amazeing she helped me.She even gave me new cloths and dance cloths and shoes.I never

got new stuffs before this is what it feels like.Hum best not say nothing she may make me stop

and say no more for you.My dance teacher saw how things were and said well she needs every day

training let her live with me. I think she just felt sorry  for me..

Besides who wants a ugly mess of a child around them.I know I certainly wouldn't want me after

what she said. I mean I am unruly and ugly and not to mention a thief and lair.Who wants that?
So Char took me in and told me things she saw in me that I didn't see. She said I was pretty.I

looked in the mirror for hours and never saw pretty.She said I deserved to be loved  and that she

loved me.

That  is what scared me cause the love I know is mean and nasty and hurtful. It says you mean

nothing and your not worth it. It says she should have ended the pregnancy and she would never

have to deal with you..What is this other love. I know what a hug is but to be held and told that

I am worth it and I am ok now.How long till she comes back and says no.I can't get used to this

love cause she will be back ..

So before I could get used to how a real mom treated a child I moved back home to her house.The

truth was I didnt want her to hurt Char and make Char think bad things about me. I didnt want

Char to know the truth  that she would tell her one day to make Char hate me too. Because that is

what she does so people wont like me or love me.She makes sure of it..She gets them to hate me..

So I am now 15 and I learned threw my short time with Char how to fake pretty with makeup .I

would put it on and look older and pretty. I even changed my name to Julia cause Julia wasnt ugly

Tammy.Julia was pretty and older and men paid her attention.Gradually I started using Tammy again

cause some saw Tammy as pretty and even she stopped being mean for a while cause I was older.

So I got jobs and I was able to move into my own place.I was so happy until.. Her boy child

needed a house  and he was married so she forced me to move in with her and let him take my

apartment cause she was friends with the owners.Dianna and Old weird Harrold as I called them. I

was even allowed to go talk to Dianna.She saw alot I wouldn't tell anyone ..

She knew things about me. Things I dare not say cause I know she would make things rough on me so

I did as I always did and said no I am ok.They can live in my appt I want it back though if thats

ok when they leave.So a few months later the boy child got another place and I got my appt

back..With in a few weeks she meet a guy she worked with and knew he needed a place to stay.I was

fine on my own but no she said you can stay with my daughter. One of the few times she called me

that.

I worked full time at a ski resort and made good mony and had some saved for summer till I could

find a job. I didnt much care for him at first he slept on a cot I bought for company.But in time

I began to have feelings for the guy and he protected me from her. So I started telling him the

deep dark secretes I had. I warned him I was bad and a lier as she called me .And he said I love

you..Marry me.

As soon as that happened she started hating him. I told him it would happen that she would not

like him protecting me. See she told him all sorts of things about me. Twisting and turning him

to not like me like that.Yet he saw threw it and liked me..She got us evicted out of my place

then things got wild we jumped from motel to motel.All the while telling my family how bad I was.

I lost my job and he got fired we had no money no food and I was so hungry. I went to a store and

stole food and stuff .The guard caught me. I was so scared I gave a fake name remembering what

she did the first time. I eventually told my real name and that I was so hungry and

pregnant..They called her and she said I couldn't get pregnant that it was all in my head. My

great grandmother came to town and saw me in jail.She was with her I was so ashamed.I went to

court and the judge said If I move to CA to a strict family members house he would let me out..

I asked the judge can I marry him? The judge said I can not tell you who you can or cant marry.I

stood firm and said them I am not moving I am staying.While in jail for 2 weeks  the guards told

the girls I bunked with I wasn't pregnant that my mom had said I wasn't that I was lieing.I was

pulled from the top bunk and almost beaten.I told one girl I had just taken a test and would take

another.So from the jail cell I dialed 911. They took me to the health nurse who did a pelvic and

said nope she has a STD and gave me a antibiotic she also said I was anemic thats why my period

stopped.I refused the rest of the stuff she wanted to do and was taken back to my cell.

I was released 2 weeks later with no where to go.So a womans shelter and a church helped me find

houseing for a while.I started a job and things started going ok.. Then one day about 10 days

later I almost fainted while working in the kitchen I was a server at a buffet..They made me go

to the hospital and ran tests. I was walking with her in the hall when the Dr came back. I will

never forget this. He did the come here with his finger and said your pregnant and who ever did

the pelvic on you should have seen your swollen uterus.

I went back to her and said I am pregnant.She called me a lair and talked to the dr. I went home

and told him the news. I was so happy until I felt the first slap across my face.. Thats when the

protection and safty I felt with him crumbled and the second stage of abuse in my life

began..With in 3 mos he was back in jail and I was safe for now.He got out  and I had our baby.He

vowed he wouldn't touch me again. But landed back in jail where I went to see him.

I walked up to the guard who told all the girls I wasn't pregnant and smiled.She looked at me and

said oh my god you wernt lieing were you this was 5 mos after I got out of jail. I looked at the

guard and said  this is my anemia..He was born 2 mos early 5 lbs 10 oz. The girl who pulled me

from the top bunk looked on as I took our son out of the baby seat to let the guard hold him.She

held in up and said I am so sorry..I forgave her but then I asked.Why does everyone always have

to believe her?? It's my body yet they all call me lier. Whos lieing now?

I for 8 years suffered every indignity you could imagine. I had 2 more kids with him I was a

prostitute a topless dancer.Shunned by my family Had my older kids stolen due to her lies.She

told them I abused my kids .I felt like screaming in her face I am not you.I dont have kids and

abuse and ruin their lives. She called CPS 32 times in one month turning in false report after

another.I fought and fought her looseing jobs.Because CPS would show up or I would have to go to

court. Or I would get restraining orders served on me..

They stole my cloths my personal items I was forced to call my other abuser cause I had no where

to go and he put me in a motel till I could get a place.She said I used drugs but I had just paid

her rent took a advance to do so.Because she insisted I move home so she could help me .Help yeah

so she could steal my babies.She told CPS I was a druggie and that I used my whole check to get

drugs then pay for my kids.I went to court and proved I wasnt on drugs.

More reports came in  and I couldnt get a attorney.None was ever appointed I lost everything the

day she was allowed to adopt my older kids. She ruined my life and she was showing me that she

could still do it..The day I lost my kids she came to me .Put her arms around my  neck and

whispered .Please don't hate me..As the venom crept to me like a white wash I almost said to her

.. How can I not..

I remembered at that moment that I promised myself I would never ever treat my kids the way she

treated me. I could never stand and lie to my daughter or blame her or hate her. I could never

turn my boys great grandparents against them.Where the last they ever saw of each other is threw

plate glass  and her telling them  what a thief and lier I am. How I never got to say I love you

or even good bye to them because she kept them to herself  and only let her boy child say it..

How I was removed from my family by all her lies and her nastiness how she never loved me or

anything about me.I turned to drugs and alcohol and sunk into my depression.I wanted to hate so

badly but something was pulling me from the hate I wanted to harbor so badly.Part of me wanted to

lash out and scream.

WHY? Why do you see me as the target she lies in every evil breath she takes she hates me for

breathing. She turned everyone against me.I didnt stand a chance. They believed her before they

ever knew me. How can she say so many lies and I loose all with out a blink of a eye? They don't

justify anything .They all just took it because of her lies. Yet I am the lier?? Then they find

out she lies..

Do I get everything that was stolen from me back? no..Theres that word again the one that has

haunted me from the day I was born.I want to just trash everything .I want to hate her for what

she did all my life to me. I want to cry out in the pain she caused me.

They say when you die God shows you the truth.. Do you think that maybe my dad and all the people

she lied to that have passed now see the truth? Do you think it's like a big television set and

they sit there watching their lives and come to my part and see it?

Maybe they are sorry for believing her.Maybe someone would have helped me if they knew.Just maybe

I wouldnt be sitting here telling you all this  and the hurt I felt . So much crosses your mind

you want the revenge but do you really? You hear god makes you answer for all your sins and how

you treat others.

I let go of all the hatred I had because it served no purpose in my life.I have grown and had

another beautiful marriage and 2 sons. My older kids are finding their way back to me and know it

wasn't me. They need to forgive her in their own right  just like they need to see if they can

for give me..I teach my sons not to hate even if someone does the worst to you. I show them they

are loved and I am the mother who loves them..

I see myself grow as I try to let all the pain go.I have a hard time with some but most I dont.My

husband is a warm wonderful loving man who never belived her lies.He trusted me as I trust him. I

look inward and see I easily could have been the one to turn the other way and been a abuser.

So you ask what stopped me.What made me look and freeze in my tracks?It was my sweet babies that

gave me the strength to turn it around. My oldest is the one who made me turn it. One day out of

pure anger and rage I lost it for just a few minutes. In that time I beat my son so horiably he

had bruises. I looked at him and freaked out .How could I do that.God help me please I will never

lift a hand to my children again..I haven't..

My oldest son is 23 and I have never lifted another hand to my children.After I saw what I did to

him I spent years figuring it out went to counseling and made sure that never happened again.
My 14 year old says mom I am not 2 anymore you can let go a little.I can catch the buss alone..I

may not walk him to the buss now.  But I still watch out the window. He looks back and shakes his

head and grins .Then he mouths the words I love you mom.

Now that I am more grown and I can look back I know god does things for a reason and what they 

arent always know right off. I know the pain and the hurt.But I also found the happiness and

love.God has blessed me and shown me to be strong. I stand in my faith knowing  god and Jesus

stand there with me.

If you know anyone  that just seems to need that little steady rock beneith their feet or a kind

word in their ear or just you to stand there and be quiet when they are screaming for someone to

see them. Be there.See them hand them the mirror.

God has a direct seat in your soul and sees your not the lier,the druggie,the prostitute,the

stripper, the unwanted mess  your his child and he very much wants you.. No matter what.Be what

you are hand it to god and let him decide your fate. We are always the hardest on ourselves and

bring so much heart ache.

I look back now and see all the tears the hurt and abounded child I was cried. I realize that my

children now have not cried out in the emotional hurt .. She may have been the worst and we cant

pick our families  but I know god put me where he wanted me to be. Maybe I was put there to be

writing this today. Because maybe someone else needs to read this and be ok too...

It's ok to hurt and it's ok that you feel it. Let god wipe away the years of pain because he will

replace the pain with happiness.